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A Bump In The Night
Written by the Elusive Lee, with editorial help from Frond Fir
It was a dark and stormy evening, at the manor on the hill,

All the guests had bid goodnight, in the moonlight all was still.

"I thought that they should never leave! Some peace and quiet I need!"

Lizzy led her husband to his chair, "Just relax", she said, "and breathe."

Georgiana laughed at her brother, remembering the evening's travails,

She sat at the pianoforte, practicing her scales.

With Darcy relaxing in his chair, on the sofa Liz took her place,

He engrossed in his paper, her embroidery she embraced.

Outside a storm began to rage, with lightning flashing bright,

One bolt was so ferocious, it gave Georgie quite a fright!

Though he would not admit it, Darcy was uncomfortable too,

He hoped it would pass by quickly, as most of this type do.

A sudden gust of wind, through an open window blew,

Extinguishing all the candles with the exception of but two.

Georgiana screamed and grabbed for the candles, Lizzy, her embroidery threw,

Darcy and Georgiana "Now Georgie, calm down," she cried, "Fitz, call Mrs Reynolds, won't you?

We will light the candles back again, and secure the window too,

And you will finish your practicing, as you're supposed to do."

William left the ladies huddling together on the divan

He closed the door to the Library, and his search for Mrs Reynolds began.

Too frightened to move, Lizzy and Georgie sat in the stillness.

"Should he be gone long, do you think?", asked one, "Only a few minutes I guess."

With William gone, the silence was deafening, Lizzy's heart began to beat fast

Georgiana's cold hands were sweating and she was afraid that she would out pass.

It started out low, the moan that they heard,

Georgie looked at Lizzy, but neither said a word.

Each wanted to believe that the sound was the sighing of the wind,

But their dreadful fears were confirmed when William came back in.

"Did you hear that noise?" He asked, voice full of worry,

"Not being far in my search, I returned to you in a hurry,

I had got to the stairs, about to descend,

When I heard that moan, it's not the wind!

There's something downstairs, I know not where,

I'll be needing a candle, as they're extinguished down there."

Lizzy stood up, Georgiana to her side glued,

"I'll not stay here in the dark, we you must include."

"Very well, as you wish. Hand me the candles dear,"

He took them from her and cautioned them to stay near.

Outside the hall was dark. The moan could be heard again.

"In order to stay together, I suggest we all hold hands."

A welcome relief was Fitzwilliam's concern, to the ladies when they heard.

"Now", he said after taking their hands, "The source of this noise we must learn!"

Three across they moved down the hall. The moaning continued to churn.

Fitzwilliam stopped as did Lizzy, too. Georgiana knocked over an urn.

"What if it's a witch", Georgiana cried, "Or a goblin", offered Lizzy.

"Or a crazy lunatic?", smirked Fitwilliam, "You're working up to a tizzy!

There is a good explanation, no doubt to this,

You must calm yourselves down, there is nothing amiss."

Like three blind mice, they felt down the hall,

The candles'd burned out, they'd no light at all!

The dining room was empty, with not a soul in sight,

Pemberley, it appeared to them had been all shut up for the night.

They walked past a table, there was only one room left,

Just for security, Darcy plucked a vase off a shelf.

The moan came again, it was from the kitchen all right!

For a moment Darcy was puzzled and thought with all his might.

He faced the door, and then turned back, something was not right.

The ladies gasped as he asked, "Why would a monster need a light?

"Maybe it's a burglar, or some vile sort of thief."

"Perhaps it's an injured person, in need of some relief."

"Whoever it is," surmised Fitzwilliam, "be it friend or louse,

I'll not have them making this much noise, they'll wake the entire house!"

"I agree with you dear," nodded Lizzy, "you must go in,

We must find out if it be friend or fiend."

After a moment or so, he closed the door, and put the vase in it's place.

"You will be surprised, I think to hear what I met face-to-face.

It was not a friend, or foe or louse,

that would make that noise in our house.

It was not a burglar, or even a thief,

Or witch or goblin, take that as relief!"

Darcy held the candles as he marched away. His face beheld much fright.

"What was it dear", cried Lizzy, "that has scared you so, tonight?"

Darcy came to a halt, the family crowded closer,

And using all the strength that his being could muster.

"I opened the door, and peeked it 'round,

I'm still amazed at the sight that I found!

It was at the table, slimy and wet, I stared at it aghast!

I've never before seen a thing stuff food in it's mouth so fast!

It was everywhere strewn, the bread, cheese and egg,

When sensing my presence, he looked up from his chicken leg.

There I stood, poised for attack,

But alas, it was only Mr Collins having a snack.

He arose from his plate, wiped his mouth on his sleeve,

Coming slowly towards me, (to shake my hand, I believe.)

He had food in his teeth, and down his face sweat did pour,

I quickly acknowledged his presence, and backed my way out the door.

My stomach did retch, I've never seen such a state.

It's hard to believe that this man has a mate.

So please my darling, grant me, when it's company you lack,

Every grave assurance that Collins won't back!

I've no great objection to Charlotte or her sister,

But when the invitation's extended, please leave off the mister!"


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